A Child of Mine by Edgar Guest

"I'll lend you for a little time
A child of Mine," He said. "For you to love the while he lives
And mourn for when he is dead.
It may be six or seven years,
Or twenty two or three;
But will you, 'till I call him back,
Take care of Him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you
And should his stay be brief,
You'll have his loving memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn,
I've looked the wide world over
In My search for teachers true,
And from all the throngs that crowd
Life's lanes I've selected you.
Now will you give him all your love,
Not think the labor vain,
nor hate Me when I come to call
To take him back again?"
I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may.
And for the happiness we've known,
Forever grateful stay;
But should the angels call for him
Sooner than we've planned
We'll brave the bitter grief
That comes and try to understand."

Edgar Guest

I love these words so much. I truly think that I can find comfort here and in God's word when my heart gets broken. I know it will be broken, but I am ok with that. I understand a little of Hannah's heart when she gave Samuel back to God. Something that struck me recently that made me think of her in a new way. I've always wondered how she wanted a child so much, but just weaned him and sent him away, even to give him back to God. I mean what's the point?  A few weeks ago, I suddenly realized that I was basically signing up for the same thing... "Please God, give me a child, I know I'll probably have to give him back to you, but please let me have him for a little while". I recently realized that her years of instruction while she weaned him, helped him to be the man that he was. Even though he lived in Eli's house, he grew to be godly, while Eli's own sons grew to be wicked. Her training in his early years lead him to be a man of GOD. I pray that I can be someone's Hannah. Even if these babies go home, I pray that my influence will be as hers was. I also pray so much that I can be an influence to the birth families. Mama was such a good example of that, she tried to be someone that those single moms could call on for support, well after those babies left her home and went to their birth mommies. I hope that I can be like these two Women of God as I become this scary thing called a foster parent.

Nostalgic Day

I've been crying a lot today again. Some days are just bad! It seems so weird to say that, because even though I've cried literally every day since we lost Mama, there are still days that I consider to be good days. Some days I cry for a few minutes here and there, but I am comforted by the fact that I believe that she lived her life in a way that ensures her eternity with God. I truly believe that I will see her again in Heaven. Some days, like today, that thought isn't enough. I still believe that and take comfort in it, but I just miss her so much. I want to talk to her and be with her. I dreamed about her the other night and I think that's what made me sad yesterday and today. I dreamed that she was here, but always right out of my reach. She was busy with other things and though she was here, I couldn't really talk to her and she couldn't talk to me. I dream of her often and the dreams are getting more and more frustrating. In the beginning, I would dream that she was still here and the dream itself was so happy and peaceful. Once I woke up, it took a bit to remember that she was gone and that was a hard transition from dream to reality. Now I am realizing that she is out of reach even in my dreams. It makes me wish I could have happy dreams again, even if I have to leave the dream when I wake up. Sometimes it is helpful to look at her pictures. When I see pictures of her, it's easy to imagine that she is still here, she just looks so full of life! It is bittersweet, I guess, but more on the sweet side. I'm going to share a few of the pictures that I found recently:

Mama and the three oldest. She was pregnant with Suzanne here.

She was probably about 18 here. That is baby Angie in the background.

Mama and me on my 1st birthday. She was 7 months pregnant with Sam!

PATH

Our second class was on Thursday night for three hours. Again it went by so fast. Jonathan and I are like sponges, soaking up all of this information. We were getting ready to leave class a little after 9 and he looked at me and said, "I thought tonight was three hours." I said, "It was supposed to be. Why? What time is it?" And he looked at the clock and said, "Oh, it's 9:15. I thought it was 8!" We have two more night classes and one all day class next Saturday. Then we have 4 home studies. We got a packet of information about the requirements for the home study. Lots to do there, but we will get it done. One little shocker, we have to get a land line telephone. What a blast from the past! :) We haven't had one since we got married and it had been years since either of us had one before then.
We finished our homework late Wednesday night. I let Jonathan cheat... Just kidding. I did finish before him, but we all know how slow he is! :) So much of what we are learning is common sense, but at the same time, it's nice to know the expectations that the state will have for us as "resource parents". Some things are scary, I can't remember what all I've told you all about it, but in TN over 50% of children go back to their birthparents. That still leaves about 48% that need forever homes and that is still a LOT, but they are really stressing that so many children go back. It is our duty to have a good relationship with those families as long as possible. I can say that I know myself enough to know that it will be hard to look at another adult or two and know that they've done something so bad that the state of TN has TAKEN THEIR CHILDREN AWAY from them. I know that I need to love them and knowing so much of what my mom went through, I know that will be hard, but I also know that sometimes people can change and they DO sometimes love their children enough to do so. Just pray for us in this. I know that the parenting will be hard, but the liaison between birth parents and kids can't be any easier than I think it will be. I'm counting on it to be much harder... Even with all of the heartaches and heartbreak that I am realistically thinking it will cause, we are SO EXCITED to travel this path. (Ha Ha, I just made a funny by accident. Our parenting classes are called PATH Parents As Tender Hearts... You know they just made that up so it would say: PATH!)
It's been a super busy weekend so far. I hope we can have a little bit of a lazy afternoon tomorrow. My cousin got married today in Nashville and she had a shower last night. I drove to Nashville and back to attend the shower last night because I knew I wouldn't make it to the wedding. It was a super rushed trip, but I was glad I went. It was nice to visit with my mama's family a little bit. My Aunt Ann and I cried talking about Mama for a minute, but that was kind of expected. I knew that I would get emotional if I went, but I needed to see her sisters and sisters-in-law even if it was just for a few minutes. PLUS I actually did want to see the Bride to be since I wasn't going to make it to her wedding tonight! :) I passed Jonathan's parents on the interstate last night on my way to Nashville. They were headed here for the weekend. They are here this weekend for his birthday. His parents and his brothers went in together and bought him a very nice grill for his birthday. We are excited to try it out tomorrow! Well, if we can find a propane tank that is!  Part of my family will probably join us after church as well. Doesn't really sound relaxing, per se, but at least it should be fun! :)

Our First Class

Our first class went well, I thought. We were supposed to meet for two hours. We actually stayed longer than that, but I really thought that it went by really fast. It was very interesting and everyone seemed so excited to get started. It was kind of hard to believe that the 2+ hours passed so quickly. I half expected our class to be boring, but I wasn't disappointed to be wrong! We ended up having homework and apparently that will be a weekly thing. I didn't expect that, but that is ok too. We have 3 more Thursday classes and then an all day Saturday class. After the Saturday class we have 4 home studies to do. One with just me and one with just Jonathan and two more with both of us. They have 90 days to approve or deny us. We are hoping to be approved by the end of the year and pray that we can begin taking care of kids very soon thereafter! Just because I know that some of you are curious, I will go ahead and say that we have to be foster parents for 6 months before we can adopt. They are really stressing that babies are not the norm for adoptions in the system. They also gave us a statistic that over 50% of the children in the TN foster system are reunited with their families. A couple of years ago that would have really, really scared me. It still does, to be honest, but I can also look to my parents example and others that I have known who are in the system and see their experiences and know that sometimes birth parents can change for the better and it is my job to love them and their children through that. I know that it will be MUCH harder to do than I'm thinking right now. I'm just praying that we can be the example to the children and parents that we need to be and when the parents can't or won't change then I hope that we can be the parents those children need. I also pray that when the parents DO change and are able to be parents again, that we are able to let go. We know that it will be hard either way.

I'm so excited... And I just can't hide it!

I wish my Mama was here. I have some very exciting news that I would LOVE to share with her!

Jonathan and I begin classes next Thursday to become Foster parents! We are so excited about this opportunity to become parents. I'm so giddy that I can't even think about sleep at 11:30. (In case you are wondering, Jonathan is sleeping just fine... at least he was until I went and jumped on him and told him again how excited I was!) He is very excited too, he just knows practical things like someone who works two jobs needs sleep even if he is excited. I'll try to refrain from waking him again in my giddiness! ;)
I've been getting a little discouraged about this whole business. I haven't really heard from CPS lately and I wondered if we were still in the process of doing this. I have been super excited all along, but hearing nothing is discouraging sometimes. I DID know that I needed to be patient, but I my patience was running a little thin. I've been praying about it lately. A LOT. Then, this evening, Jonathan came home from the church building at about 7:45 and asked if I had gotten the mail. Nope. So he goes to check it and there are two bill-like envelopes. I didn't think much of it until I noticed the huge grin on his face. I wondered what he was so excited about, but "Wipeout" was on, I was babysitting 4 kids, AND my phone just dropped a call from my sister, Suzanne, making me more than a little distracted until he handed me the letter.   It was a one page letter telling us of the times and dates of our classes to become Foster Parents AND they start NEXT WEEK!!! I was so excited! I told Jonathan that I felt like I finally took a test and it was positive!! I'm not really sure about the process. I don't know what happens after the classes, or how long until we have little ones in our care. But I DO know where we will be every Thursday night for the next few weeks. And then one Saturday class that lasts ALL day. I'm sure that I will know more after our first class next Thursday night! I'm super excited and a little scared, and I really miss my Mama right now. But mostly, I am excited! Please pray for Jonathan and Me and our journey into parenthood!

Busyness

Sorry that it has been a little while! We have  been super busy 'round these parts. We got Daddy and the girls moved in. Hannah and Heather have been tested and they have gotten into the right grades at school. They had been home schooled for the past few years, but without Mama at home that was too hard to continue. Mama always thought that home schooling them was best. They had been behind when they were with their birth families and they still have a lot of struggles. I am still worried about them being able to keep up in their classes, but we will help them as much as we can. They are very happy with their new school and their new classes. I am excited for them in their excitement. Beth was happy to realize that her band Director from Bowling Green was a former band Director at her new school. She knew that he was from somewhere in west TN and she found out on the first day that he previously taught here. She was glad to have that connection.
There is still a lot of work in getting everyone settled. Everything is moved here and all the basic things are in their new places. There is still a lot of cleaning and rearranging to do, but we will get there. It is good to have them here.
I have switched from babysitting during the day  to babysitting most evenings. Every evening, except Wednesday, I am picking up Hunter, Angel, Scott and Azlee from after school. These are the same kiddoes that I kept during the summer, we just have a different schedule now, and since they are in school, I am keeping them at their home instead of mine.
Wednesday, I drove Daddy back to BG so that he could get his other car. We left later than we intended, which gave me a chance to visit my brother and sister-in-law, Stephen and Mary Anne, and my sister, Brittnye. Stephen and Mary Anne have the cutest little older house and they have done a lot of work on it. Brittnye also has an older house that she and several girls from school live in together. Brittnye's room is pretty cool and even has an old fireplace. Since I was running so late and wouldn't make it back home in time for Bible Study, I took advantage of the opportunity to visit with my old "Home" at Lost River. I am always encouraged while worshiping with the members there and love to visit whenever I can. It was a late night of driving to get back home, but it was worth it to visit with my Brothers and Sisters at Lost River church of Christ!

Hummingbirds

My new ring

 I was browsing on Ebay the other day and I came across a hummingbird ring that I loved. Mama loved hummingbirds. She could just sit and watch them for hours. Every time that I have seen once since she died, I have thought about her and smiled. So I found this ring and  decided on a very small limit and bid. I was so excited a couple of days later to see that I had won!
 My sister Suzanne liked my ring so much, for the same reason, that she ordered one today. Her's is the same style, it just looks much newer than mine. This is the one she ordered today. I couldn't take a picture of mine because I have misplaced my camera. It looks exactly the same, only more vintage-y. I really like it a lot.