Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Nostalgic Day

I've been crying a lot today again. Some days are just bad! It seems so weird to say that, because even though I've cried literally every day since we lost Mama, there are still days that I consider to be good days. Some days I cry for a few minutes here and there, but I am comforted by the fact that I believe that she lived her life in a way that ensures her eternity with God. I truly believe that I will see her again in Heaven. Some days, like today, that thought isn't enough. I still believe that and take comfort in it, but I just miss her so much. I want to talk to her and be with her. I dreamed about her the other night and I think that's what made me sad yesterday and today. I dreamed that she was here, but always right out of my reach. She was busy with other things and though she was here, I couldn't really talk to her and she couldn't talk to me. I dream of her often and the dreams are getting more and more frustrating. In the beginning, I would dream that she was still here and the dream itself was so happy and peaceful. Once I woke up, it took a bit to remember that she was gone and that was a hard transition from dream to reality. Now I am realizing that she is out of reach even in my dreams. It makes me wish I could have happy dreams again, even if I have to leave the dream when I wake up. Sometimes it is helpful to look at her pictures. When I see pictures of her, it's easy to imagine that she is still here, she just looks so full of life! It is bittersweet, I guess, but more on the sweet side. I'm going to share a few of the pictures that I found recently:

Mama and the three oldest. She was pregnant with Suzanne here.

She was probably about 18 here. That is baby Angie in the background.
Mama and me on my 1st birthday. She was 7 months pregnant with Sam!

Saturday, September 3, 2011


Our second class was on Thursday night for three hours. Again it went by so fast. Jonathan and I are like sponges, soaking up all of this information. We were getting ready to leave class a little after 9 and he looked at me and said, "I thought tonight was three hours." I said, "It was supposed to be. Why? What time is it?" And he looked at the clock and said, "Oh, it's 9:15. I thought it was 8!" We have two more night classes and one all day class next Saturday. Then we have 4 home studies. We got a packet of information about the requirements for the home study. Lots to do there, but we will get it done. One little shocker, we have to get a land line telephone. What a blast from the past! :) We haven't had one since we got married and it had been years since either of us had one before then.
We finished our homework late Wednesday night. I let Jonathan cheat... Just kidding. I did finish before him, but we all know how slow he is! :) So much of what we are learning is common sense, but at the same time, it's nice to know the expectations that the state will have for us as "resource parents". Some things are scary, I can't remember what all I've told you all about it, but in TN over 50% of children go back to their birthparents. That still leaves about 48% that need forever homes and that is still a LOT, but they are really stressing that so many children go back. It is our duty to have a good relationship with those families as long as possible. I can say that I know myself enough to know that it will be hard to look at another adult or two and know that they've done something so bad that the state of TN has TAKEN THEIR CHILDREN AWAY from them. I know that I need to love them and knowing so much of what my mom went through, I know that will be hard, but I also know that sometimes people can change and they DO sometimes love their children enough to do so. Just pray for us in this. I know that the parenting will be hard, but the liaison between birth parents and kids can't be any easier than I think it will be. I'm counting on it to be much harder... Even with all of the heartaches and heartbreak that I am realistically thinking it will cause, we are SO EXCITED to travel this path. (Ha Ha, I just made a funny by accident. Our parenting classes are called PATH Parents As Tender Hearts... You know they just made that up so it would say: PATH!)
It's been a super busy weekend so far. I hope we can have a little bit of a lazy afternoon tomorrow. My cousin got married today in Nashville and she had a shower last night. I drove to Nashville and back to attend the shower last night because I knew I wouldn't make it to the wedding. It was a super rushed trip, but I was glad I went. It was nice to visit with my mama's family a little bit. My Aunt Ann and I cried talking about Mama for a minute, but that was kind of expected. I knew that I would get emotional if I went, but I needed to see her sisters and sisters-in-law even if it was just for a few minutes. PLUS I actually did want to see the Bride to be since I wasn't going to make it to her wedding tonight! :) I passed Jonathan's parents on the interstate last night on my way to Nashville. They were headed here for the weekend. They are here this weekend for his birthday. His parents and his brothers went in together and bought him a very nice grill for his birthday. We are excited to try it out tomorrow! Well, if we can find a propane tank that is!  Part of my family will probably join us after church as well. Doesn't really sound relaxing, per se, but at least it should be fun! :)